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Guest
29 August 2010 8:40:32 AM UTC in Jokes

Husband and Wife Jokes


Husband and Wife jokes are one of the funniest of the lot along with marriage jokes. These jokes are generally about husband and wife poking fun at each other and at their in-laws.

Hilarious Husband and Wife Jokes Lady 1: Last week you had advertised in the newspaper for a husband. Any luck with it?
Lady 2: I got two hundred people who said, "You can have mine".


Lady 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: My last two children don't resemble him at all.


Husband: Enough is enough. We already have four kids and I will go bankrupt and broke if I have to support a fifth one. I will put a revolver to my head if that happens.
Wife: But dear, you will be killing an innocent man.


They sat by the candlelight having dinner in the luxury restaurant.
He said: "Wine does a lot of things. It makes you look beautiful, charming and attractive".
She said: "but dear, I haven't been drinking"
He said: "I know, but I have been".



Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, "Dear, there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up."
But her husband refused to go out and investigate.
Wife: "Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you married me"
Husband: "Well yes, that's what my friends said too."
By (anonymous)
on 06 August 2011 10:04:02 AM UTC

 

Husband and Wife Jokes Out in the park one Sunday afternoon, an elderly couple heard the brass band playing a catchy tune and wondered what it might be called. The man noticed a sign close to the bandstand and said " It looks as though they list the tune titles there- I'll go and look". He returned and his wife asked what it was. " One I don't know - it's called refrain from dropping litter".


Do you know I cleaned the loft with my wife last weekend. I still can't get the dust out of her hair.


An elderly man pondered whether his wifes hearing was deteriorating. One night he crept up behind the sofa where she was seated and said " Darling, can you hear anything?". No response. So he moved a bit closer and asked her again. Still no response. He then moved right up to her ear and asked again. She shouted "For the third damn time Albert, yes I can hear you".


My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night she turned to
me and said "George, do you know that you are stopping some small village
having an idiot".


After 40 years of marriage, I took my wife to a hotel room where they had a
waterbed - or as she called it the following morning "the Dead Sea".


My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten
minutes, she turned to me and uttered " But darling, if I were to agree with what
you say, then we would both be in the wrong".


A man and his wife were on the Titanic as it was sinking and just the one life
jacket remained. " I love you so much Doris that I will think of you often" - as
he put on the jacket and jumped into the sea.
By (anonymous)
on 29 August 2010 8:46:29 AM UTC

 

Hilarious Husband and Wife Jokes Remember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him
keep her.


Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are like two sides of a coin.
Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they remain together.


My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She had paragraphs.


Bill and Alice were celebrating 60 years of marriage. When Bill was asked by a friend for the secret of their long marriage he replied " We have always taken the time to go to a lovely restaurant twice a week. Good food, a little candlelight, fine wine, soft music and some dancing. " "Thats wonderful" said the friend.
Bill retorted "Yes, I go Wednesday's and she goes Friday's"


My Grandparents were celebrating 55 years of marriage and so I asked my Grandpa
what the secret was. He replied "Two things son. Number one is whenever you are in the wrong, admit it and second, Whenever you are right, say nothing".


Question: What is the best way to ensure that you remember your wife's birthday?
Answer: Forget it once.


Bill and Ted were chatting in the pub. Bill said " Ted, have you any idea what I did before I married Eileen?" No, what ". " Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted" sighed Bill.


Two old guys chatting in the park. "Do you know the wife and me were happy for forty years" said the first man. "What happened?" asked the second man. "We met" sighed the first.
By (anonymous)
on 29 August 2010 8:46:00 AM UTC

 

Short Husband Wife Jokes Bert and Madge have been married for 60 years and still hold hands whenever
they go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple.
" When I let go, she's off shopping".


My wife said that she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a
long time for her birthday "What about the kitchen" I cried.


A husband and wife are having an argument. " I do not hate your relatives; I tell
you I prefer your in-laws to mine" he said.


"My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean for the first time last year" I told my
friend. "Jamaica" he quizzed. "No, it was her idea" I replied.


A Policeman asked if my wife could describe the burglar.
"He was medium build with a beard and a slight limp" she replied.
"Was it male or female" asked the Policeman
She replied " I would hazard a guess at male unless the Circus has hit town".


My wife asked me the other day "How can I can rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?" "Chop your head off" I replied. The divorce hearing is next week.
By (anonymous)
on 29 August 2010 8:45:15 AM UTC

 

Husband Wife Marriage Jokes I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As we
travelled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat. "What
do you have in that bag" asked the man. "It's a fine bottle of wine for my wife".
He replied "Excellent swap".


My wife told me the other day that she had a new job working in a bowling club.
"Tenpin" I asked her "No, its' full-time" came her reply.


I went to the supermarket with my wife last week and bought some cheese from
the deli. She said to me "Ooh, I see you've bought some of that Armageddon
cheese". Puzzled I said to her "Why do you think I've bought Armageddon cheese"?
"Because it says 'Best Before End' on the side of the packet of course"
By (anonymous)
on 29 August 2010 8:44:36 AM UTC

 

Husband and Wife Jokes My wife came home last week and shouted excitedly. "Quick, pack your bags;
I've won £20 million on the National Lottery". "Where are we going" I asked.
She replied "what's this we – just pack your bags and get out you useless man".

A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. "Alice" he gasps "my
dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from next door".
"But you said that you have always hated Bert" said Alice.
"O I do dear, I do".

My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking so there was the
smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on my shirt
collar. "I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in at seven in
the morning" she bellowed. "Of course I do "I replied "I want some breakfast".
By (anonymous)
on 29 August 2010 8:43:29 AM UTC

 
(guest)
(guest)

30

Reply

(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

'Til death do us part

So my wife called me thoe other day. She says, "i've got some good news and osme bad news. We're getin' a divorce". So i say, "...what's the bad news?"

21 November 2012 3:43:05 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
BETTY .
BETTY .

HE HELP ME GET MY HUSBAND BACK.




my mouth is filled with laughter because of the help prophet salifu place on me my husband just come back to me after dumping me and the kids for lady i don't want to know,his spell opened his eyes to see how much i loved him,thanks for your spell that you did for me , i now have my husband all to my self .if you are in my same situation you can reach him at prophetsalifu@yahoo.com or prophetsalifu@gmail.com .thank you i will never forget you.

Betty

16 November 2012 6:04:39 PM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Susanna .
Susanna .
funny af

funny af


Wife: Honey can u help me with the garden??
Husband: Do I look like a gardener??
Wife: Honey the toilet is broken!!
Husband: Do I look like a plumber??
(Later the husband went out for lunch..& when he came back everything was fixed)

Husband: Did u fix all of this??
Wife: No the neighbor's son did.
Husband: Oh ok.
Wife: He said I had to make him a burger or sleep with him.
Husband: U gave him the burger right??
Wife: Do I look like burger king??

14 October 2012 6:04:25 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Judith .
Judith .

Jungle Jim And skinny Timmy

Once upon a time there were 2 friend who thought they both could out do each other. One day Jungle Jim ask Skinny Timmy to a race. Of course Skinny Timmy accepted. The day of the race is getting started as the gun shoot off. Off they both went running side by side, then a woman screams, help..help..Jungle Jim and Skinny Timmy stop dead in the street, and ask..what can i do for you, the lady said can you get this bee off me, why sure said Jungle Jim said as Skinny Timmy look down as his jaw drop. Jungle Jim said, Skinny Timmy go get that can of fly spray that man is spraying on himself. so Skinny Timmy walk over the finish line, before he reach for the can, the people cheer as he won the race. Poor Jungle Jim face look to the ground as Skinny Timmy won the race.

30 June 2012 2:52:28 PM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Jayasri .
Jayasri .

hsband s request

husban:can i have a cup of coffee please

wife:what?

husband:can you have a cup of coffee please

wife:that s what i see

04 June 2012 2:14:43 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
jokar .
jokar .

The Face Joke

The joke is your face.

16 May 2012 4:57:07 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
jokar .
jokar .

The Face Joke

The joke is your face.

16 May 2012 4:56:53 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Jokerman .
Jokerman .

Wedding cost

Mike asked his father,
Mike: How much does it cost for a wedding?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

17 April 2012 3:19:00 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Yazan Zamel .
Yazan Zamel .

What is it ?

what is an animal that does have legs, wings and eyes and cant walk,fly,or see ?
ansewr : deadbird

29 March 2012 7:34:16 AM UTC

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(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

You get what you ask for

Wife: <Looks at herself in the mirror> Husband, I'm getting old. My hips are big, I have bags under my eyes, I have wrinkles, and grey hairs. <she pauses looking at him> Please complement me on something.

Husband: Your eyesight is still good.

11 March 2012 8:09:12 AM UTC

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(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

One Liner

Honey, you're a good wife. I don't care what my mistresses say.

11 March 2012 8:07:21 AM UTC

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wheaties .
wheaties .

Husban and wife

A newly married couple are at a fair and at this fair is a bi-plane. The husband asks his wife if they can ride. The wife asks how much the ride is and the pilot replies "fifty dollars." The husband starts pulling the money out of his wallet and the wife says "but honey were are newly married and have expenses and bills and besides fifty dollars is fifty dollars" the husbands sighs and places the money back into his wallet. For Twenty five years the same couple come to the same fair and and argue over the same price of a plane ride. One year the pilot decides to help them out. The Pilot says " Tell ya'll what if i take ya'll up and ya'll dont make a sound while we are flying ya'll can have a full flight for free" both the husband and wife agree. so the pilot takes them up and tries every trick in the book to get them to squeel, Barrel roles and loop de loops and anything he could think of for the whole time he was up there. finilly he gave up and came in for a landing. when landed he turned to ask if the enjoyed the ride and noticed the wife was missing, in horror he asked the husband what happened the husband said oh she fell out about the third loop de loop. the pilot asked "but why didnt you say anything?" the husband stated " well fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

10 February 2012 11:24:01 PM UTC

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madhu.shivshankar.vishwakarma .
madhu.shivshankar.vishwakarma .
taklu mama

taklu mama

bhadwan bhadwan too anda meri ma roti hai mai atta tohto battata

03 February 2012 10:00:35 AM UTC

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Q .
Q .

Broken Lawn Mower

Last Summer, the lawn mower broke. The Mrs. kept hinting to Mr. that he should get it fixed. But somehow, he always had something else to take care of first--the shed, the boat, making beer--always something more important than fixing the lawn mower. Finally, the Mrs thought of something very clever to make her point.
One morning, he went fishing and when he arrived home, she was seated in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and disappeared into the house only to return a minute later to hand the Mrs her toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

31 January 2012 4:00:41 AM UTC

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(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

talk gone wrong

Wife: What would you do if I die?
Husband: umm cry?
Wife: Wont you get remarried?
Husband: Of course not!
Wife: Dont you like being married?
Husband: Fine I would remarry.
Wife with angrish tone: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
Husband: That would be the proper thing to do.
Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: Guess so.
Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, shes left handed.
Wife: silence
Husband: Runs out

30 January 2012 5:37:32 PM UTC

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jenna .
jenna .

maid in trouble

man calls home to his wife
maid ;who is this
man ;where is madam
maid; she is busy with her friend
man ;and who is that friend
maid ;jaques
man(in jealousy)kill them both
the maid kills both of them and calls back
maid ; i have done it where should i throw them
man ;there is a swiming pool at the backyard throw them there
maid ;there is no swimming pool
man;oops sorry wrong number

23 January 2012 8:18:11 AM UTC

1 reply            Reply
(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

Ailing Husband

Dying husband: I have something to tell you.
Wife: Don't speak, just rest.
Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best friend. ...
Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you!

03 January 2012 9:30:03 PM UTC

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(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

funny marriage joke

what do you call a man and a women that are in love?
extinct

10 December 2011 6:05:38 PM UTC

1 reply            Reply
(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

hotse riding roflmfao

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


25 October 2011 4:45:49 AM UTC

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(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

hi

yea

14 October 2011 9:39:15 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
nuri giornazi .
nuri giornazi .

husband and wife jokes

husband woke up on some noise outside of his house ,he went to find out what is going on ,they told him the city water was poisoned ,so went to his room he found his wife awake ,she asked him ,what is doing on ,he replied nothing just drink a cup of water and go sleep

05 October 2011 9:57:37 PM UTC

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(anonymous) .
(anonymous) .

Short marriage joke

When we were first married I used to wake up grumpy in the morning, now I just let her sleep!!!

30 August 2011 6:57:51 AM UTC

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Betty Batt

Husband and Wife Funny Joke

For a husband, losing his wife is very difficult.
In my case it was impossible.

21 May 2011 10:38:05 AM UTC

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Betty Batt

Really good joke

What is the best way to take revenge on a man who stole your wife?
Let him keep her.

21 May 2011 10:37:45 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Betty Batt

Hilarious

My wife asked me to be more affectionate. So I married again and got two wives.

21 May 2011 10:37:08 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Betty Batt

Funny

I asked my friend how does he get his wife to hear him speak with attention to every word that he says.
He said that he talks in his sleep.

21 May 2011 10:36:59 AM UTC

0 Replies            Reply
Chris Chapman .
Chris Chapman .

Doctors

I went to the Doctors the other day and was sitting in the waiting room very bored. i picked up a magazine on Aeroplanes to read. As i went through it i saw an article called "Rough old Bird"

I thought, "Why are they writing about my wife"

26 November 2010 11:45:05 AM UTC

1 reply            Reply