Jokes : short funny hilarious humorous dumb sms doctor lawyer marriage

Technology Joke
Technology's Impact:

Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:

Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. we miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!

Doctor Patient Joke
Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.


Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and wont be able to see anyone.

Teacher Student School Joke
Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery

Funny Short Joke
What do you call a deep burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.

Recession Joke
Employeee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.

Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?

Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

Teacher Student Joke
Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something I didnt do.
Mother: Thats very bad of your teacher. What was that you didnt do?
Girl: The homework.

Girlfriend Joke
Girl 1: Oh I am doomed. Thats my husband coming coming with my lover.
Girl 2: I was about to say the samething too!

Computer Joke
Why shouldnt you hold a DVD upside down?
Because the data might fall down.

Short Joke
Good Resolutions are Like Beautiful Girls:
They are easy to make but hard to keep.

Office Jokes
Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.


Who is a Boss?
Boss is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Funny Joke
Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.

Deadliest PJ
Before going to sleep you can say goodnight.
But before waking up can you say Goodmorning?

Funny Joke
Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.

Husband and Wife Joke
Husband: Do you know that John who lives next door has two girlfriends unknown to wife.
Wife: Who is the other one?

Hilarious Joke
Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.

Deadly PJ
Teacher: How many letters are there totally in A.B.C.D?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just A.B.C.D
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.

Childrens Joke
Teacher to kid: Whats your mother's name?
Kid: Mom

Hilarious Joke
Man1: Your kid just looks like you ditto.
Man2: Shhh, not so loud. Thats my neighbours kid.

Teacher Student Joke
Teacher: Which month has 28 days?
Student: All months!

Poor Joke
Kid 1: What happens when Tension increases?
Kid 2: It becomes 'Eleven'sion.

Funny T-Shirt Slogans
Boomerangs – they ARE making a comeback.

Death – the nation’s number one killer

I am well Disappointment with youre grammer.

Distracting fat people is a piece of cake.

To err is human, to arr is pirate.

I never finish Anythi

Congratulations – you are not illiterate.

I support re-cycling – I wore this yesterday as well.

One Line Jokes
If we get electricity from electrons, do we get morality from morons?


Why is it called an asteroid when it is outside the hemisphere but it is called a haemorrhoid when it is inside your bottom?


Why does a dog get angry when you blow in it’s face yet it will stick it’s head out of the window whenever you go on a car journey?


Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know that there is not enough money in the first place?


Have you ever wondered why Tarzan never has a beard?


Why do they always use sterilised needles when giving lethal injections?


Why do Kamikaze pilots bother wearing helmets?


Which smart alec decided it was a good idea to put the letters in lisp?


Why is it that the bubbles are always white regardless of what colour bubble bath you use?

Hilarious Joke
Ralph and Edith were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edith promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edith’s heroic act , she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edith the news she said, 'Edith, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, I am afraid that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt straight after you saved him. I am really sorry, but he's dead.'

Edith replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Marriage Joke
After 45 years of marriage, I looked at my wife carefully and said to her
"Darling, 45 years ago we had a cheap car, a cheap apartment, slept on a sofa bed, watched a small black and white television, but I got to sleep with a gorgeous 21 year old girl every night. Today, I have $1 million house, Ferrari, huge king sized bed, plasma screen hi-definition television but am sleeping with a 66 year old woman."

My wife, being the reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a 21 year old gorgeous girl and she would make certain that I once again would be driving a cheap car, living in a cheap apartment, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a tiny black and white television. Don’t you just love older women – they really know how to express themselves.

What a woman wants
What I Want in a Man, Original list

1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (aged 32)

1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (aged 42)

1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punchlines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (aged 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (aged 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (aged 72)
1. Breathing. 2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Short Jokes
Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and said "Any idea how to drive this thing?"

Question: What would you call a monkey in a minefield?
Answer: A Baboom


Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day


My boss walked past my desk and asked me "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".


My wife always told me that if I wanted breakfast in bed, then I would have to sleep in the kitchen.


A doctor tells a guy: "I have bad news. You have Alzheimer's, and you have cancer."
Guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer.

Hilarious Jokes
Question ; Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Answer: So that they can stamp out fires.


Question: Why is it that elephants have flat feet?
Answer: So that they can stamp out burning ducks.


A Turtle was walking along a New York street when it was attacked by a group of snails. When asked what happened, the Turtle told Police "I have no idea. It all happened so quickly".


A patient went to his Doctor who said "I have bad news and really bad news".

"Whats the bad news" asked the patient. "You only have 24 hours to live" said the Doctor.

"That’s terrible, what could the really bad news be?".

The Doctor replied "I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday".


Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".
Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"Alright" says the first man "Where are you from idiot?"

Comedy Jokes
What's the difference between a man and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money


My brother is a terrible musician. The other day he asked my sister if she had herd his last recital. She replied "I certainly hope so".


A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me"? The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".

Funny Jokes
My brother asked my Dad the other day "Dad, are you able to write in the dark?" "I think so.”

Said my Dad."What do you want me to write?" "Your name on my report card." came the reply.

The teacher asked my girlfriend the other day "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
"No idea" she replied. The teacher shouted "Bark, Amy, Bark".
My girlfriend went "Bow Wow Wow Miss"

Funny Lawyer Jokes
A famous lawyer had a new client.

"How much do you charge?", said the client.

The lawyer replied, "I charge $250 to answer three questions!"

"That's expensive, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And your third question is?"



What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer will let a case drag on for several months. A good lawyer will make it last even longer.

Hilarious Ponderisms
If you refused to pay an exorcist, would you be repossessed?


Why is it that garage washrooms are always locked. Are they scared that someone will clean them?

If a police officer arrested a mime artist, would they have the right to remain silent?


How is it that Superman could stop a bullet with his chest but couldn’t dress himself properly?


Is Dijon vu the same old mustard?

When two egotists meet, is it an I for an I?

Is the definition of a will a dead giveaway?

Do backward poets write inverse?

Did you hear about the 4 foot fortune teller that escaped from prison?
She was a small medium at large.


Is Acupuncture a jab well done?


If a Buddhist refused Novocain during root canal treatment is it a case of transcend dental medication?


If you were to jump off a bridge in Paris would that mean you were in seine?


Do all lawyers call their daughters Sue and their Sons Bill?

Funny Riddles and Jokes
Question: Name two things that can never be eaten for breakfast?
Answer: Lunch and Dinner


Question : If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
Answer: A secret


Question: What stays in bed most of the day and will sometimes go to the bank?
Answer: A stream


Question: What has to be broken before it can be used?
Answer: An egg

Dumb Girlfriend Jokes
My girlfriend is not very clever. Only the other day she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.


My girlfriend, who is not very bright, was sat next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept asking her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered 20 to 1 odds, and said each time she was unable to answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but each time he couldn’t answer hers, he'd give her $100.00. The lawyer thought that he couldn’t lose, and reluctantly my girlfriend accepted the bet. The lawyer asked, "How far is the distance between Earth and the nearest star? My girlfriend gave him $5 without speaking. She then asked, "What goes uphill with 3 legs and comes back downhill with 4 legs?" The lawyer looked puzzled. After several hours he gave up and reluctantly paid my girlfriend $100. She put it in her purse and the lawyer asked "What is the answer to your question"? Without a word being spoken, he handed him $5.

My girlfriend was slightly overweight so our Doctor put her on a diet. He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2 days, skip a day and repeat that procedure for 3 weeks and that when he saw her next she should have lost at least seven pounds. When she returned 3 weeks later, she had lost 18 pounds.

"That's amazing" said the doctor "Did you follow my instructions?"

My girlfriend replied "Yes but I tell you what, I thought that third day was going to kill me".

"From hunger?" asked the Doctor.

"No from skipping" replied my girlfriend.

Dumb Girlfriend Jokes
My girlfriend was flying a plane the other day and was doing fine until at 4,000 feet

She crashed. When I asked her what happened, she said, "I really don't know!

Everything was fine, but as I got higher, I began to get cold. I can hardly remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"



My girlfriend had just wrecked her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to emerge from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the police officer arrived.

"My Goodness!" the police officer gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that has been crushed by an elephant.

Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, thank you officer, I'm fine" my girlfriend replied. "How did this happen?" asked the Police Officer as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"It was the strangest thing!" my girlfriend began. I was driving along this road when this tree jumped out on me. I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Madam", the officer said, cutting her short, "There are no trees for 20 miles on this road. That was your air freshener going back and forth."

Husband and Wife Humour Jokes
When a man opens a car door for his wife it is either because the car is new. Or the wife is.


A man telephones the local hospital. He said, "You must send help! My wife's going into labour!" The nurse replied, "Try and stay calm. Is this her first child?"
He shreiked "No! This is her husband!"


Married men should always forget their mistakes. Why? Well, there is no need for two people to remember the same thing.


A elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately The wife asked "Why don't you do that?" The husband replied "I don't even know that woman!"


My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sat. That darned clock always was slow.

Funny Computer Joke
Three Signs that you need to get away from the computer:

3) You try entering your password on the microwave.

2) You email your kids in their room to tell him that lunch is ready, and they email
you back, What's for lunch dad?'

1) You chat several times daily with a stranger from Australia, but haven't spoken to your next door neighbour in months.

Computer Joke
Why was the computer really tired when it got home?
Answer: Because it had a hard drive!

Classic Knock Knock Jokes
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub quickly, I'm dwowning!


Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!


Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about?

Comedy Men Joke
Two old men chatting in a bar. The first man said "At my age you spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.

The second old man replied "I often find myself going into a room and wondering what did I come in here after."

Hilarious Duck Joke
A duck walked into a bar and asked,
"Have you got any olives?"

The bartender says, "No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives."

"Oh," says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later the duck returns and say to the same barman,

"Have you got any olives?"

"I told you before, we have cherries and grapes, but WE DON'T HAVE OLIVES!" says the barman.

"Oh," says the duck and leaves. Another five minutes later the duck comes back a third time and again asks,

"Have you got any olives?"

"Look, " screams the barman. "For the last time WE HAVE NO OLIVES!, we will never have ANY OLIVES and if you ask me once more, I am going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!"

"Oh," said the duck and left. Five minutes later, the door opened and there was the duck. The barman is absolutely furious. He slams a bottle of beer on the bar, stares at the duck and screams,

"WHAT NOW???!!" "Uh...uh...have ...you ...got...any....NAILS?"

"Nails? Nails? No, we haven’t got
any nails," answered the barman

"Okay," said the duck. "So, have you got any olives?"

Funny Animal Jokes
Three birds walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.


Bird watcher 1: What sort of bird is that?
Bird watcher 2: A gulp.
Bird watcher 1: A gulp? I’ve never heard of one of them before.
Bird watcher 2: It's a bit like a swallow, only bigger


Question: What would you get if you were to cross a dog with a telephone?
Answer:A Golden Receiver!


Question: What did the dog say when it sat on some sandpaper?
Answer: That’s Rough!



A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders a slap up meal. He finishes his meal, takes out a gun and shoots the waiter stone dead. As the Panda is leaving, the manager shouts that not only has he shot his waiter but he hasn’t paid for his meal.

The Panda yells back "I’m a Panda – look it up".

The manager took out a dictionary and saw this definition under Panda
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by its distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Animal Jokes
Question: How did the farmer count his herd of cows?
Answer: With a Cowculator

Question: What is a cow's favourite musical note?
Answer: Beef-flat

Question: What is a cats favourite breakfast cereal?
Answer: Mice Krispies


My brother was driving along the road the other day with ten penguins in the back seat. He was stopped by the police who told him that he couldn’t drive around with ten penguins in the car and that he ought to take them to a zoo. My brother agreed with the police officer and drove off. The following day, my brother was driving along the same road still with ten penguins in the back and again. He got stopped by the same police officer who said, "I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
My brother replied "I did.But today I'm taking them to the cinema."

Question Answer Two Line Jokes
Question : Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
Answer : She wanted to lay it on the line

Question : Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Answer: It heard the referee calling fowls

Question : Why did the chicken cross the playground?
Answer: To get to the other slide!

Question: What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken And A Pit Bull?
Answer: Just The Pit Bull