loading
Mike Bernard
“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob. “Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated. “Oh it’s really terrible”, said the man starting up again,
Mike Bernard
“Hi! My name is Tasha,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to Houston for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Tasha seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me. What do you think about my Grandson?”
Mike Bernard
Chris was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. Chris noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.” “I’ll take the special”, said Chris to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order Chris called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!? The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at Chris over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”
Mike Bernard
Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Audrey “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Nick, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Audrey with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Mike Bernard
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Johnnie,” said Nicole, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Johnnie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Johnnie”, says Tasha. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Mikey takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee
Mike Bernard
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.Johnny, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, Johnny thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third. Mike is fuming and asks Johnny what went wrong. Johnny replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" Mike replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
Mike Bernard
Johnny is about to enter a race on a new horse. The horse's trainer Mike, meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."   Johnny thinks Mike is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. Johnny ignores Mike's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
Mike Bernard
They're asking for $980,000/-.' MAN: 'well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!' MAN: “You’re worth it. 'Bye!' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open 😧 The man turns and asks "Anybody knows whose phone📱 this is
Mike Bernard
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, 🐝it's me... R u at the club?' MAN: 'Yes'😍 WOMAN: 'I'm at the City Centre mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you really like it.'😘 WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 Models. I saw one 🚗 I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$98,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house 🏡I wanted last year is back on the market.
Mike Bernard
“Where did you lose it?” Mr. Crocker asked. “I lost it at home,” Johnny replied. “So, why don’t you find it at home then?” Mr. Crocker asked. “Well, there were no lights in my house and it’s really dark,” Johnny replied. “You lost that ring in your house. So you’ll probably find it around somewhere where you lost it,” Mr. Crocker said. “You know that my eyes don’t work very well and the doctor told me not to search anything in the dark whether it's really important or not. I’ll knock my head again if I don't listen to him. I can't believe it. He was right. He'll be proud of me if I tell him what I did now,” Johnny cried.